Closing down

Closing down I am closing down, as my broken, unfinished dreams, as those misty eyes of a widow... I am closing down, as the doors that were never to open, as the windows that remained shut, a house that was meant to submit, to deliberate longing! I am closing down, as the ears that no longer heard my screams, as the heart that stopped beating, as the under functioning lung and kidney, or massacred feelings... I am closing down, as hopelessness is the truth, and sanity a deviation! as mystery is in the existence, prediction in suffering! I am closing down, as there is no way, to stop, control, combine, or emulate, the true sense of being!! I am closing down, yes, I am!! Tanzila

Escape

Escape escape isnt within you it is the open space, that void where you feel to dissolve, what you think can drown you! escape isnt a person, it is that time in life, that special moment when you realize, your tolerance to suffer has diminished! escape isnt any object or place, it is an attachment, that special bond you start to make, with your own soul because every other soul has cheated you! escape is a condition, a utopian mental state, where pain ceases to exist and worries disappear, where self is relieved of remnants of deception, lies you were told!! escape is a mere short term goal, because all your life, you will have to face, fight or maybe succumb to the misery, because all your life, you are alone, in deep despair, because all your life, memories will haunt you, because all your life, you stay submerged, in figments of delusion, of substance or mind!!

Tanzila

Messiah

Sometimes you need 

a push, a stroke,

a gentle pat,

or maybe,

a firm hand! 

A hand that holds you,

during every experience,

A hand secure,

sensitive and 

kind...

Sometimes you need,

your mind at peace,

forgetting the gallows,

pride or mischief,

Sometimes you need,

a belief,

Pulling you up,

through the dungeons,

the caves,

of darkness and

dearth! 

Sometimes you need,

A li'l tear,

to clear that dust 

from your eyes,

Sometimes you need,

your eyes to blink,

because your constant gaze,

may wear you out! 

Sometimes you need,

the one hope,

that last one indeed,

for changing the course,

of uncertainties,

mismatches and

mistakes! 

Sometimes you need,

to submit to,

His will,

His aura,

His constant tests!

You need a messiah,

who makes you believe,

returning to Him,

is never obsolete! 

Sometimes you decide,

to embark on new journeys,

where souls arent destitute,

anymore,

off His presence,

where world wouldnt matter,

nor will your worldly being! 

Sometimes, you want to hold on,

to that Messiah,

but you realize,

he is on the run,

as he is the one, 

who will be needed,

by many others like you!! 

So you decide to hold him close,

in your eyes, your mind,

because he made you acknowledge,

your true self!!

Tanzila

How I met your brother?!

How I met your brother?!

Dear (Could have been my) Sister-in-law,

Tonight I decided to write you a letter. Its going to be a long one indeed because it will reflect the insecurities of many desi sisters-in-law, whose brothers want to marry for love! If he marries someone who is doing better than you (that is threatening to you), you should be happy! It is simple, your brother will have a progressive wife and a good life, what else do you hope for?! 

If she isn’t doing better than you (that is more acceptable to you), you should help her grow, because she is your brother’s wife and a part of your family. As a family, people help each other to grow and learn, to explore new opportunities and new ways of a better life! 

And if you consider her your equal (that rarely happens), you can be best of the friends and create memories and harmony together. But before writing this, all I ask, why are you comparing yourself with some other woman who is also a sister or sister-in-law to someone? Why judging anyone or maybe I should ask who are you to degrade a fellow woman, who may have or have not seen the same struggles in life as you? Why challenge her way of life and her perspective? Why try to control her every move? Why create impediments in her life when you yourself know, all this will affect your brother?

I met your brother out of mere coincidence in October 2014 and our destinies got intertwined. We loved the idea of togetherness, sharing happiness with our families, sharing life with you. Families are that you make, families who you want to control every time. Its primitive to exercise a control in every decision, it’s a relationship not the government! Your brother wants to marry a woman out of his choice, someone he is comfortable with, and someone he loves. He cannot marry a woman who should be your subordinate or someone you fancy! Of course, when he met me, he felt I was a perfect fit, not just for him but also for the whole genre of your desi family. That is also because I am very much desi, but unfortunately, you never gave me a chance to prove it! I was misjudged as a witch who was going to break your family and create a world for herself. 

Let me tell you something, I am not a destructive person. My being strong is a testimony that I have struggled and succeeded in my life. I am a daughter, a sister and a friend to many. I am never judged as someone who restricts people, blocks their lives just because I don’t fancy them. I love your brother and I know I can be very much that woman he wants to age with. I care for him, more than myself, I value this relationship, and the love we share. For me, I feel betrayed as a woman, because a fellow woman does not allow my happiness. Be it in the name of a cultural difference or the religious perspective, you have failed to understand and show compassion to your only brother. You have failed as a sister because you left him when he needed you the most. The brother, who loves you, who adores your relation with him, you left him stranded. You could control the situation and defend him, his love, but all you did was added more oil to the fire. This fire burnt me, it gutted your brother and also the harmony of two families. Little did you show any compassion after that? Your brother suffered, I suffered along with him. Your mother, who you manipulated very efficiently, hates me. I always saw my mother in her, I wanted to live with her, I wanted her to love me. I wanted to have ‘nun chai’ with her, especially when nobody else in the family likes it. She doesn’t know me, she never met me, but I have become her most disliked person. I ask why? What did I do? Why wasn’t I given a chance? I wanted to support your Dad, I wanted to watch cricket with him or even take him to nice restaurants where we both could devour the most amazing food. How did I wrong him? I never met him!

You leave me baffled, annoyed, extremely hurt by your pointless tactics. Your constant cold behavior towards your brother ruptures my soul. This man I call my own, this man I want to breathe for, the rest of my life. He is the man I wanted a life with, filled with love, togetherness and compassion. I fail to understand what led you to destroy my life? All I wished you was happiness, was peace in your own life, with your husband who is also someone’s brother. 

Why do we have to make a vicious chain reaction and continue to harm each other? Why do we require this bitterness? Why cant we be calm and patient with each other and accept each other as we are! You make me feel if at all I leave your brother because we both succumb to this family pressure, my sacrifice will be a waste. You will control him, and not worry about his happiness. I fear for him because his little mistake has been made a blunder and I have been made a monster. 

I grew up similarly like you, I grew up in a family, I had a brother who took care of me, loved me. He changed after he got married and followed his wife, broke our family. I have seen a broken family and all I aspire for myself is everything but another broken family. I will never want your family to get hurt in all this. Your brother is my world and I want his happiness. I am a self-reliant woman and I still don’t shy away to plead in front of you and ask you for forgiveness. Its forgiveness for I loved your brother with my soul and gave him everything I had, everything I could give him. I agree we had our nasty moments; we fought like kids, almost killing each other, but who doesn’t! Every relationship has ups and downs and miseries and happy moments. Its in between all this what we share we call love. 

I plead in front of you to give me my happiness and not torture the man I love by your silence or give me death. It is only death that can ease my pain, the subtle dying wish that has been growing ever since!

I wish you well and have a blessed life! You killed my dreams out of your insecurities, never did you consider, what goes around comes around! How will you face your brother, how will you ensure he is happy, how will you ever not feel guilty?!

This is from a woman to a woman, from a sister to a sister-in-law, from a daughter-in-law, to her mother-in-law, when will we learn to breed love and spread happiness? When will we hold ours hands together and grow together? When will we learn to let go of this self-inflicted hatred against each other? When will we ever behave like ‘real women of substance’??!!

Your’s only,

Sister-in-law who was never given a chance!

Tanzila

The Faltering Commitment

The Faltering Commitment

Not yesterday

not today

not anymore! 

I don't feel it;

the love we had,

if the truth be told!

Sometimes it takes,

a violent shake,

and sometimes,

a mere ripple,

can do the drama, 

the magic,

and disintegrate..

pull apart those fused souls!

I thought you were God,

godly or divine,

you ended up,

mysterious,

obnoxious,

this ravine!

Your stumbling,

hiding,

dishonesty,

brought me discomfort,

distrust and

misery! 

You thought you fooled me,

when you fooled around!

I felt critical, 

succumbed to the injuries

you caused to my soul!

Until a little while back,

in life, I felt,

an uncompromising

love,

a romantic story 

to tell!

Now I feel is my

inherently growing,

faltering commitment,

because you deserve 

pain,

while I deserved

truth!

The souls,

stories and fictional future

is dead!

Tanzila

Bookworm

I haven't been reading for a long time in history,
Haven't lived with characters, plots or ploys.

I haven't dreamt like a writer forever,
Haven't planned each move with minuscule detail.

I haven't felt betrayed by the writer's tricks,
My lover's magic or that villain's mischief!

I haven't played along in a while though,
Haven't smelt your withering pages.
I haven't felt the touch of you dear book,
Your letters making up those beautiful words.

I had kept you untouched on my shelf,
in my cupboard, out of sight. Forgive me!

Now its time, to reach out to you,
Your stories of fiction, and of love,
Its time to read you dear book,
feel your rhythm and rhyme along..

Open unto me a world of revelation,
each magnificent story, or a tragic mystery.
Blow me with your winds of glory,
Let me fly along with you,
reaching beyond this false glittering world,
where reality is fake and people unkind!
Make me a bookworm and feast on you dear book,
tonight and all nights to come!!

Tanzila

Silence of the soul

Silence,

is an adventure!

Its a valuable emotion,

entertaining your mind,

for the lovers of peace,

for all haters of kind!

It exposes you,

to ranges of mist,

smoking the memories out,

like pests from their hideouts!

Silence gives you scope,

a chance, an aim,

to introspect,

to reflect,

to imagine and

contemplate!

It gives you intention,

releases out inhibition,

eases your insecurity,

lifts your personality,

to someone who can

think and conclude,

plan and delude,

revive and find recluse,

in patience,

in peace,

and silent moments

of today!!

I seek some silence too for today!!

Yes, I do!!

Tanzila

Canvas

Ever wondered what is it like

to be a blank canvas

to be unholy

to be unworthy

to be unwanted

and unexplored..

Ever wondered what is it like

to be at mercy,

of an artist

who is unwilling

to paint you around

to be his reason

of a creative dead-end.

Ever wondered what is it like

to be a writer's unfinished poem

to be the source of his chaos

his lack of inspiration

 lack of will

or even the power to 

uphold his expression...

Ever wondered what is it like

to be at the corner

of a centre stage

a big wide arena of conflict

where you are at the edge

of your sanity?!

Ever wondered what is it like

lose yourself

in an unexpected dilemma,

to give in a fight that was never yours,

to lose to someone you loved the most,

to fight prejudice and still get slaughtered

Ever wondered what is it like,

to actually sacrifice your only hope

for the hopes and expectations

of people who actually

inflicted so much pain,

that your heart would pop out

crying for solace.

Ever wondered what is it like

to be so helpless 

in every situation,

and still be open,

welcoming to this artist,

who wants to paint things,

and follow his heart;

while you lay there,

moved/ unmoved

by the series of episodes

by the stories and lies

by the insensitive claims

by the accusing minds....

Ever wondered what is it like

to be a person who is dead inside,

tattered by the social norms

battered by your indifference.............

Tanzila

Sometimes the sun is too bright for the eyes that are used to darkness!

Screams

Screams

When every part of the body
screams for help,
when your soul is wronged,
your conscience dies,
your body screams,
screams for survival..

it screams out of the grave,
it wants to be saved
out of this hell!


Souls with diminishing faith,
Hearts with aching pain,
Mind with restless humour,
Chest with no oxygen,
Bones with no strength,
Eyes with an ever increasing,
emptiness,
able to witness your constant betrayal,
able to foresee this dying human.

I scream, please save me,
I plead, please save me,
I cry, please save me,
I wish, you could save me!!

Tanzila

My Precious

My Precious

I need strength,
to forgive
I need courage,
to accept the pain..
I need to involve
self in sacrifice
a compromise,
many lies.

I need immense maturity
to move on
I need that extra bit of poise
to stand up again..
I need to speak,
scream, express...
my desires, my worries
and this suffering..its process..
I need to reach out
for help, for a hand
for a shoulder,
Strong enough.

I need to believe,
in my decisions,
of giving up,
going ahead,
without a sense of guilt,
I carry in my mind..
I need to aspire
to become a happier version
of myself,
A gentler soul..

I need to learn
to let go of something
that never belonged to me!
I need to free myself
of this clinging hold,
I deserve a hand,
that walks with me,
I deserve someone who
respects me..
And can value that respect!!

And so do you...!!
Make your diligent choice girl,
You mean a lot
Your happiness is paramount,
Your soul is beautiful,
You are My Precious!!

Tanzila