How I met your brother?!
Dear (Could have been my) Sister-in-law,
Tonight I decided to write you a letter. Its going to be a long one indeed because it will reflect the insecurities of many desi sisters-in-law, whose brothers want to marry for love! If he marries someone who is doing better than you (that is threatening to you), you should be happy! It is simple, your brother will have a progressive wife and a good life, what else do you hope for?!
If she isn’t doing better than you (that is more acceptable to you), you should help her grow, because she is your brother’s wife and a part of your family. As a family, people help each other to grow and learn, to explore new opportunities and new ways of a better life!
And if you consider her your equal (that rarely happens), you can be best of the friends and create memories and harmony together. But before writing this, all I ask, why are you comparing yourself with some other woman who is also a sister or sister-in-law to someone? Why judging anyone or maybe I should ask who are you to degrade a fellow woman, who may have or have not seen the same struggles in life as you? Why challenge her way of life and her perspective? Why try to control her every move? Why create impediments in her life when you yourself know, all this will affect your brother?
I met your brother out of mere coincidence in October 2014 and our destinies got intertwined. We loved the idea of togetherness, sharing happiness with our families, sharing life with you. Families are that you make, families who you want to control every time. Its primitive to exercise a control in every decision, it’s a relationship not the government! Your brother wants to marry a woman out of his choice, someone he is comfortable with, and someone he loves. He cannot marry a woman who should be your subordinate or someone you fancy! Of course, when he met me, he felt I was a perfect fit, not just for him but also for the whole genre of your desi family. That is also because I am very much desi, but unfortunately, you never gave me a chance to prove it! I was misjudged as a witch who was going to break your family and create a world for herself.
Let me tell you something, I am not a destructive person. My being strong is a testimony that I have struggled and succeeded in my life. I am a daughter, a sister and a friend to many. I am never judged as someone who restricts people, blocks their lives just because I don’t fancy them. I love your brother and I know I can be very much that woman he wants to age with. I care for him, more than myself, I value this relationship, and the love we share. For me, I feel betrayed as a woman, because a fellow woman does not allow my happiness. Be it in the name of a cultural difference or the religious perspective, you have failed to understand and show compassion to your only brother. You have failed as a sister because you left him when he needed you the most. The brother, who loves you, who adores your relation with him, you left him stranded. You could control the situation and defend him, his love, but all you did was added more oil to the fire. This fire burnt me, it gutted your brother and also the harmony of two families. Little did you show any compassion after that? Your brother suffered, I suffered along with him. Your mother, who you manipulated very efficiently, hates me. I always saw my mother in her, I wanted to live with her, I wanted her to love me. I wanted to have ‘nun chai’ with her, especially when nobody else in the family likes it. She doesn’t know me, she never met me, but I have become her most disliked person. I ask why? What did I do? Why wasn’t I given a chance? I wanted to support your Dad, I wanted to watch cricket with him or even take him to nice restaurants where we both could devour the most amazing food. How did I wrong him? I never met him!
You leave me baffled, annoyed, extremely hurt by your pointless tactics. Your constant cold behavior towards your brother ruptures my soul. This man I call my own, this man I want to breathe for, the rest of my life. He is the man I wanted a life with, filled with love, togetherness and compassion. I fail to understand what led you to destroy my life? All I wished you was happiness, was peace in your own life, with your husband who is also someone’s brother.
Why do we have to make a vicious chain reaction and continue to harm each other? Why do we require this bitterness? Why cant we be calm and patient with each other and accept each other as we are! You make me feel if at all I leave your brother because we both succumb to this family pressure, my sacrifice will be a waste. You will control him, and not worry about his happiness. I fear for him because his little mistake has been made a blunder and I have been made a monster.
I grew up similarly like you, I grew up in a family, I had a brother who took care of me, loved me. He changed after he got married and followed his wife, broke our family. I have seen a broken family and all I aspire for myself is everything but another broken family. I will never want your family to get hurt in all this. Your brother is my world and I want his happiness. I am a self-reliant woman and I still don’t shy away to plead in front of you and ask you for forgiveness. Its forgiveness for I loved your brother with my soul and gave him everything I had, everything I could give him. I agree we had our nasty moments; we fought like kids, almost killing each other, but who doesn’t! Every relationship has ups and downs and miseries and happy moments. Its in between all this what we share we call love.
I plead in front of you to give me my happiness and not torture the man I love by your silence or give me death. It is only death that can ease my pain, the subtle dying wish that has been growing ever since!
I wish you well and have a blessed life! You killed my dreams out of your insecurities, never did you consider, what goes around comes around! How will you face your brother, how will you ensure he is happy, how will you ever not feel guilty?!
This is from a woman to a woman, from a sister to a sister-in-law, from a daughter-in-law, to her mother-in-law, when will we learn to breed love and spread happiness? When will we hold ours hands together and grow together? When will we learn to let go of this self-inflicted hatred against each other? When will we ever behave like ‘real women of substance’??!!
Your’s only,
Sister-in-law who was never given a chance!
Tanzila
